LESSON 3: Harmony Among Differences
Do you come into conflict with your kids?
Would you like to transform that into harmony? Even if you don’t believe it is possible?
Let’s do this little exercise to see where we are headed.
Close your eyes and imagine this...your family... no conflicts...everyone getting along.....
everyone helping everyone...... everyone getting what they need...everyone having a
good time... just imagine ......does that sound good to you? Well that’s what you can
create with The 1 Rule.
So, let’s get started. We are going to take a look at how conflict begins.
In just about anything you can think of there can be differences between two people.
Picture this: no one has the same point of view. That means that no one physically looks
out of your eyes, except you. If two or more people are looking at the same thing, each
person’s point of view is different, if only slightly.
Differences don't have to result in conflict. Everyone has differences: differences in
interests (some of us like to read and some of us would rather play video games),
differences in beliefs (some of us believe in ‘the work ethic’ and some of us believe that
‘life is a playground’), differences in values (some of us believe in cooperation and some
of us believe in competition), differences in likes and dislikes (some of us like chili and
some of us don’t).
That’s not to say that we don’t have many things in common, but when we have
differences and do not know how to resolve them in a humane and peaceful manner,
conflict develops.
Out of the situation of conflict spring all the troubles that develop between adults and
kids. Think about it: when you are angry with your kids, it’s because they want one thing
and you want another, whether it is over bedtimes (you want them to go to bed – they
want to stay up), homework (you want them to do their homework – they want to watch
TV), chores (you want them to do their chores – they want to go to their friend’s)...what
ever the issue.
Learning how to resolve differences and the resulting conflicts in a humane and peaceful
manner is what the 1 Rule is all about. Once you have made the 1 Rule your habit you
can avoid getting into conflict in the first place.
The 1 Rule is simple. It’s finding happy agreement before you decide what to do or not to
do. As long as there are no differences, there is no need to use the 1 Rule.
Once you realize that there are differences between what you want and what your kids
want, that is the time to start using the rule part of the 1 Rule. The rule part of the 1 Rule
just means that you use the 1 Rule. You find happy agreement before you move on.
You, the adult, are the example of the 1 Rule in action. You make sure that you follow
the rule.
Questions
1. Think of a situation where there are differences between you and your kids.
2. Think of how you might peacefully resolve this situation and still keep your differences.
3. Write this in your journal, if you wish.
4. Repeat this process.
Bonus: The Myth of the Spoiled Child
– excerpt from book that started this all
Parenting for the New Millennium
Creating Friendly Families through the Power of Respect
"Parents also punish their children to try to prevent them from becoming spoiled. The
Myth of the Spoiled Child says that a child who is used to getting what she wants is
spoiled.
"The Oxford Dictionary has two definitions for spoiled listed under one number—“ruin the
character or temper of by indulgence, study the comfort & wishes of (spare the rod & S.
the child: how you all s. me!)” The juxtaposition of these two definitions and these two
examples is a most telling description of the general cultural attitude toward “spoiling.”
"A child will be ruined if we look to their comfort and try to take their wishes into account;
it is only beating which can save them from the horrible state of spoiling. On the other
hand, it is a way we offer respect to adults and most adults thoroughly enjoy being
spoiled; what adult doesn’t want their wishes fulfilled, not to mention, insist on it? “Oh,
you’re going to spoil me!” she cooed; “And please don’t stop,” she thought.
"Spoiling, which ruins the character or temper, has not to do with whether a child is used
to having her needs or desires met, but whether she is willing to have others suffer to
achieve these needs. A person who is used to getting what he wants (but never at the
expense of others), and who is willing, able, and used to helping others get what they
want—this person is not spoiled, but an outstanding citizen.
A really spoiled person is someone who is not only used to getting their own way, but
determined to do so no matter who suffers in the process. Unfortunately, this is too often
the type of behavior adults model when relating to children. Even the most benevolent
adult usually retains the right to have the final say, to make whatever decisions they
want, no matter how a child suffers in the process, and the punishing parent practices
this to extreme degrees."
Do you come into conflict with your kids?
Would you like to transform that into harmony? Even if you don’t believe it is possible?
Let’s do this little exercise to see where we are headed.
Close your eyes and imagine this...your family... no conflicts...everyone getting along.....
everyone helping everyone...... everyone getting what they need...everyone having a
good time... just imagine ......does that sound good to you? Well that’s what you can
create with The 1 Rule.
So, let’s get started. We are going to take a look at how conflict begins.
In just about anything you can think of there can be differences between two people.
Picture this: no one has the same point of view. That means that no one physically looks
out of your eyes, except you. If two or more people are looking at the same thing, each
person’s point of view is different, if only slightly.
Differences don't have to result in conflict. Everyone has differences: differences in
interests (some of us like to read and some of us would rather play video games),
differences in beliefs (some of us believe in ‘the work ethic’ and some of us believe that
‘life is a playground’), differences in values (some of us believe in cooperation and some
of us believe in competition), differences in likes and dislikes (some of us like chili and
some of us don’t).
That’s not to say that we don’t have many things in common, but when we have
differences and do not know how to resolve them in a humane and peaceful manner,
conflict develops.
Out of the situation of conflict spring all the troubles that develop between adults and
kids. Think about it: when you are angry with your kids, it’s because they want one thing
and you want another, whether it is over bedtimes (you want them to go to bed – they
want to stay up), homework (you want them to do their homework – they want to watch
TV), chores (you want them to do their chores – they want to go to their friend’s)...what
ever the issue.
Learning how to resolve differences and the resulting conflicts in a humane and peaceful
manner is what the 1 Rule is all about. Once you have made the 1 Rule your habit you
can avoid getting into conflict in the first place.
The 1 Rule is simple. It’s finding happy agreement before you decide what to do or not to
do. As long as there are no differences, there is no need to use the 1 Rule.
Once you realize that there are differences between what you want and what your kids
want, that is the time to start using the rule part of the 1 Rule. The rule part of the 1 Rule
just means that you use the 1 Rule. You find happy agreement before you move on.
You, the adult, are the example of the 1 Rule in action. You make sure that you follow
the rule.
Questions
1. Think of a situation where there are differences between you and your kids.
2. Think of how you might peacefully resolve this situation and still keep your differences.
3. Write this in your journal, if you wish.
4. Repeat this process.
Bonus: The Myth of the Spoiled Child
– excerpt from book that started this all
Parenting for the New Millennium
Creating Friendly Families through the Power of Respect
"Parents also punish their children to try to prevent them from becoming spoiled. The
Myth of the Spoiled Child says that a child who is used to getting what she wants is
spoiled.
"The Oxford Dictionary has two definitions for spoiled listed under one number—“ruin the
character or temper of by indulgence, study the comfort & wishes of (spare the rod & S.
the child: how you all s. me!)” The juxtaposition of these two definitions and these two
examples is a most telling description of the general cultural attitude toward “spoiling.”
"A child will be ruined if we look to their comfort and try to take their wishes into account;
it is only beating which can save them from the horrible state of spoiling. On the other
hand, it is a way we offer respect to adults and most adults thoroughly enjoy being
spoiled; what adult doesn’t want their wishes fulfilled, not to mention, insist on it? “Oh,
you’re going to spoil me!” she cooed; “And please don’t stop,” she thought.
"Spoiling, which ruins the character or temper, has not to do with whether a child is used
to having her needs or desires met, but whether she is willing to have others suffer to
achieve these needs. A person who is used to getting what he wants (but never at the
expense of others), and who is willing, able, and used to helping others get what they
want—this person is not spoiled, but an outstanding citizen.
A really spoiled person is someone who is not only used to getting their own way, but
determined to do so no matter who suffers in the process. Unfortunately, this is too often
the type of behavior adults model when relating to children. Even the most benevolent
adult usually retains the right to have the final say, to make whatever decisions they
want, no matter how a child suffers in the process, and the punishing parent practices
this to extreme degrees."
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| Lesson 3 |