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| Happy Kids Newsletter Month Eleven There are images in the actual Newsletter that cannot be added here, but some of the links are active. |
| Your Happy Kids Newsletter This is not another parenting method…this is your missing foundation…the fundamentals that simplify parenting, answer the questions that worry you…keep you up at night…trouble your heart and mind. These fundamentals help you to use any parenting methods…successfully. Willful Disobedience Don’t think in terms of ‘disobedience.’ Think in terms of cooperation. You can discover why a child seems uncooperative: • Are their needs different than yours and, therefore, you need to negotiate? • Have they misunderstood your needs? • Have you misinterpreted their actions as uncooperative just because they are not doing exactly what you expected them to do? • Are they tired of being bossed around, as we all can be? • As a behavioral model, are you frequently uncooperative with your child? Willful Disobedience and the Power of Respect I know that you are committed to staying respectful to your kids. I also know that it is extra difficult to stay respectful when your kids are being willfully disobedient: • “No! No! You’re mean! I’m not gonna go!” • “Leave me alone! Get away from me! Leave me alone!” • “I hate you! I’m never gonna do what you say!” If you let yourself get ruled by your emotions in these situations it can be very, very difficult to stay respectful. It’s hard enough to stay respectful when your children disobey you. It is much, much harder when they are also not being respectful. This is when all your practice at remaining calm which you have learned as part of a spiritual discipline, or as part of stress control, or anger management, or in preparation for childbirth, can come in handy. • “I’m sorry you feel like that. I didn’t know that you don’t want to go.” • “Okay. I’ll leave you alone for now, but we are going to have to deal with this.” • “We both need to cool off. I’m going out in front. We’ll talk later.” Acknowledge your emotions, feel them and if you want to, share them, tell your children what you are feeling. Just do not let your emotions be in charge of what you do. Make sure you, the whole person that you are, is in charge of you. If you ever cannot control your impulse to react disrespectfully, it might be better to leave the scene until you have calmed down. Make a plan just in case: where can you go; who can watch the kids? Let this be your bottom line: “I treat my kids with respect, no matter what.” Although obedience is an integral part of our culture, if you wish to stay respectful, it is better to think in terms of cooperation rather than obedience or disobedience. Believe that if you give them enough information, your son or daughter want to cooperate. If they do not cooperate, then they have good reasons for not doing so. Find out why they are being uncooperative: 1. Are their needs different than yours? Sometimes doing what you want them to do, in just the way you want them to do it, is going against their own needs. If this is the case, it is a good opportunity to negotiate a win-win solution. 2. Maybe they have misunderstood your needs. Misunderstandings are some of the most common causes of trouble among people. Make sure that your children have understood exactly what you had in mind. 3. Perhaps you have misinterpreted your children’s actions, and think that they are being uncooperative because they did not do exactly what you expected them to do. Sometimes what they actually do really meets your needs, it was just not the way you thought about having those needs met. 4. Often children will not do what you ask the next instant after you ask it. Like many others, they need time to adjust to what you are asking of them, and to end what they are already doing, even if it is making noise. 5. It might also be that they are just tired of being bossed around. Maybe they feel as if everyone has been telling them what to do all day and they are fed up. That could happen to any of us. Sometimes enough is enough and with you it might be safer to disobey than with others. Another thing you might look at is yourself, as a behavioral model. How cooperative are you with your children when your needs are different from theirs? Are you ever, or even frequently, uncooperative with your children? When they let you know what they need and if it is not what you had planned, do you work cooperatively with them to find a mutually agreeable solution? Remember, you are one of their primary models of appropriate human behavior. Once you understand more accurately what is going on with your children and what seems to be disobedience on their part, it is much easier to be respectful with them. When you take the time to figure things out and not just to react, you can often discover that situations which seemed intolerable to you before are understandable and, with a little effort can be transformed into peaceful, satisfying interactions. Power of Respect Q&A The following questions and answers are from the ebook Good Parent Good Kids by Karen Ryce 1. Shouldn’t my children be respectful to me first? Don’t I deserve their respect? That would be good, wouldn’t it? However, what I offer you is almost that good. In fact, really, it is much better. That’s like asking that your child be born speaking whatever language you speak. You might like it, but that is not how it goes. Children learn from us. You be respectful to them from the beginning and they will automatically be respectful to you…you do deserve it. 2. You mean I can’t tell them what to do? For sure you can tell them what you want them to do. If they don’t want to, maybe when you explain why, they’ll agree. If not, go through End Conflict NOW! Find a win-win solution. 3. Why are you against punishment? Punishment causes pain. It is so much more effective to explain, to educate, to create understanding. If the win-win solution is to fix what they caused to go wrong, this helps ensure that the behavior is not repeated. That’s the goal of punishment, right? That the behavior is not repeated? Why not get to that goal in ways that are agreeable to all involved? 4. What about logical and natural consequences? Natural consequences are just that…natural. I may or may not allow the natural consequences to play out. It depends on what I want to do. Logical consequences seem like a type of punishment. They have to be created, they don’t happen naturally and they result in suffering for the child. That seems like punishment to me. 5. What if they don’t do what I tell them to do? What then? If they already agreed to do something, ask them why they didn’t do it. • They may have good reasons for not doing it. • They may have forgotten about it. • They may be planning to do it at a later time, but didn’t tell you about that. • They misunderstood you. • You may have said one thing, but meant something different, and they already did what you said. In any case, make sure that you come to mutually agreeable solutions. Keeping It Respectful Anger is a secondary emotion. Before you feel anger you have felt another emotion: perhaps frustration, hurt, fear, or disappointment. Long ago I discovered that this was true for me. Every time I was angry, and in those days I had lots of chances to discover whether this was true, I thought: was I feeling something before I was angry, an emotion such as frustration, sadness, embarrassment, hurt feelings…? I discovered that I was, every time. Then I began to become aware when I was feeling one of the primary emotions. I learned to deal with those emotions. And anger did not develop. This became a new mental habit. Eliminating anger helps in developing respect as your foundation. When you do observe and discover the primary emotions, you might share those feelings with your child. Then they get a chance to take care of you, to apologize, to hug you, to offer to behave differently. Harmony is maintained and you are both empowered. Power of Respect Question: How do you plan to deal with “willful disobedience” in a respectful manner, maintaining the dignity of all involved? Click Here to Ask The Miracle Worker…of Education and Parenting: link (get your question answered in a future newsletter, you can also suggest topics you would like covered) Next Month: Dealing with schedules/priorites… May your efforts be successful and satisfying. Best Wishes, Karen Ryce The Miracle Worker…of Education and Parenting We value your privacy and we’re not going to rent, trade, share or sell your information to anyone. If you want to read the details of the privacy policy, you can read them here. Contact Us | Privacy Statement Karen Ryce Presents Copyright © 2011, 2012, 2014 All Rights Reserved Karen Ryce Presents retains all copyrights in any text, graphic images, and software owned by Karen Ryce Presents and hereby authorizes you to electronically copy documents published herein solely for the purpose of transmitting or viewing the information. You may not mirror, modify or otherwise alter any files in this newsletter for rebroadcast, or print the information contained therein, without written permission from Karen Ryce. Except as expressly provided above, nothing contained herein shall be construed as conferring any license or right under any Karen Ryce Presents copyright, patent or trademark. All transmissions of any of the information in this newsletter must include this paragraph and the following link: http://www.happykidsco.com |
| What if I’m afraid to trust my child’s judgment? You may have good reasons for this. However, you can move from where you are to where you want to be: trusting them because they’ve proven themselves trustworthy. You could start with small, safe situations. Discuss this process with them. Tell them you want to be able to trust their decisions. Make sure they agree that this is a good idea. Now you can both learn what you need to learn. They can learn to be trustworthy and you can learn to trust them. You both need practice. Keep this going. It might be more effective, though it might be more difficult for you, to start with something that means a lot to the child. Discuss it thoroughly. Make sure you both understand how you want it to go. They are likely to make their greatest efforts to be successful if it is something they want to happen. Eventually you’ll be able to trust them and they’ll prove themselves worthy of that trust. Then even if things don’t go as you both intended, you’ll both know that they’ve done their best to be trustworthy and there is no reason to stop trusting them. |
When Your Kids Are Upset With You
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| The Myth Of The Spoiled Child The Myth of the Spoiled Child says that a child who is used to getting what they want is spoiled. Parents do whatever they can to their children to try to prevent them from becoming spoiled. The Oxford Dictionary has two definitions for spoiled listed under one number—“1)ruin the character or temper of by indulgence, 2)study the comfort & wishes of(1)spare the rod & [spoil] the child: 2)how you all [spoil] me!)” The juxtaposition of these two definitions and these two examples is a most telling description of the general attitude toward “spoiling.” A child will be ruined if you look to their comfort and try to take their wishes into account. On the other hand, it is a way you offer respect to adults and most adults thoroughly enjoy being spoiled. What adult doesn’t want their wishes fulfilled? “Oh, you’re going to spoil me!” she cooed; “And please don’t stop,” she thought. Spoiling, which ruins the character or temper, has not to do with whether a child is used to having their needs or desires met, but whether they are willing to have others suffer to achieve these needs. A person who is used to getting what they want (but never at the expense of others), and who is willing, able, and used to helping others get what they want—this person is not spoiled, but an outstanding, respectful person. A really spoiled person is someone who is not only used to getting their own way, but determined to do so no matter who suffers in the process. So this is the problem…now we’ll focus on the solution. It is called the Power of Respect. |
| Discover How To Empower Yourself I’ve already told you the importance of making respect your bottom line, your foundation, meaning that you are never less than respectful. Remember, that was my # 1 Secret. Because the concept of respect is so common and so well-known many people think they have already tried this with their kids. They think it is already one of their family values. Because of this common misconception, I am going to cover the concept of respect and then the role of respect in the Power of Respect. With this understanding the seven secrets will make even more sense. Get ready for the ride! |
Communicate
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